4.06.2013

All the Worst Things About Getting Married

Alright. So you've seen the countless articles encouraging people to be less critical about the institution of marriage? As a certifiable (I literally have a certificate to prove this) married person, I think I should warn all you non-married people what you are really in for.

Without further ado, here is the list of the awful, unspeakable horrors that happen when you choose to get married:

1. Tears. So many tears.

Before I was married, I was an emotional rock. I was once forced to tell a boy I loved that we had to break up because my parents didn't approve (very Jane Austen, I know) and I didn't even shed a tear.

I'm not sure what happend, but now all you have to do is show me the Christian the Lion youtube video and my face is so wet that an entire army of Charmin Bears can not fix me. There were no tears when I saw the kid friendly cartoon The Croods. There were no tears because they drowned in the waterfall that was my face.

2. Nightmares.

This is not just me, I swear. It has been confirmed by at least 90% of the 3 or 4 people I've talked to about it. Crazy, horrifying nightmares where your spouse dies/cheats/has something awful happen etc.

Before I was married I had pleasant nightmares where I watched the world end. Now I have to wake up next to someone who I swear I just saw kissing Adrienne Lima! Much, much worse. No joke, I had a dream last night where I was looking at Instagram and someone had posted a picture of Breck snuggling with another girl in OUR bed! Obviously I woke him up very early in the morning to let him know just what I thought about that. That scoundrel dream Breck.

3.  Football.

Oh my groan. Before marriage I thought football was a tv show that boys liked to watch. No. Football is a religion that boys will study, worship, preach, dress up for, and never ever miss a service.

Not to mention superstition. I REALLY thought it was a joke. But it's cool, now I know if any doors in our apartment are open, if Breck's hands are cold, or if I sit in the lounge chair, Michigan will lose.

4. Couple Dating.

You thought finding a guy who liked you despite your abnormalaties was hard, try finding another couple where all four of you get along. I would say it's the equivalent of running full speed at an outlet with your charger and successfully plugging it in. Sometimes it fits, sometimes your banging your head against a wall.

5. Boy Things.

This will vary based on your husband. For one of my friends, it's that when her husband wants to be intimate with her, he tells her that he is going to, "lay the pipe." Another one of my friends gets farted on as an alarm clock. Breck moons me at least 5 times a day. Not a thing of pleasure.

Now you know. Prepare accordingly.

9 comments:

  1. Every single one of your posts make me CRACK UP! Holy crap.

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  2. Thank you for helping me feel a little better about being single. Except I already cry, so not sure how that is going to pan out.

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  3. who is the guy in the last picture? i can't figure out if he's from a tv show or something!

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  4. Loved this! You are hilarious.

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  5. Couple-ing is the hardest! We are seriously considering moving to another state to find new friends! State of choice? Austin, TX obviously.

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    1. Ugh I would die! I would be there every other weekend just to hang out! We are going to the Mumford concert there in June! Summer trip??

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